One thousand words later…

So I’ve only written 1,000 words since Thanksgiving.  Not so inspiring, is it? But God’s got my back.  He seems to want me to finish this thing.

I went to my Christian Writer’s Association meeting last night, annoyed with myself that I can’t find time to write, when last month, I managed to do it.  Partly, I think I put a lot off that month for the sake of writing, and now, I’ve got a lot of catching up to do.  But honestly, Christmas shopping doesn’t take that long.

I ran into another member of the organization, one I’ve met before, who happened to mention she did NaNoWriMo last month.  I wasn’t aware that anyone else from the group was doing it, so it was a thrill to meet someone else who not only did the NaNoWriMo but completed it.  And to top that off, she’s been working on 1,000 words a day since the end, to finish her novel.

Okay, two emotions here.  First, pride.  I felt part of an elite “in” club.  I was one of the people who could say, “I finished too!”  I wanted to tell everyone what I’d accomplished.  Second, jealousy and a little self denigration.  Why in the world could she keep at it, when I was failing in that task?

But, thankfully, after chatting for awhile, God convicted me that I had the wrong attitude.  Instead, I asked her if she’d be interested in holding each other accountable to finishing our books.  She seems like the one to drag me along, since I’m not doing so well.  But she loved the idea.

I’m thankful for the conviction I received. It opened me up to the blessing of having a writing accountability partner.  If I was so stuck in my pride and shame (odd to have those two at the same time, but that’s me), I wouldn’t have recognized the amazing gift God was giving me.

Right now, I’m reading I Samuel, the story of David and Saul.  Saul is busy going crazy, chasing after David in once scene and declaring him his beloved son in the next.  And I used to read these scenes only through the lens of David, trying to be like David, comparing myself to David.  Not that it’s a bad thing to do, but there’s a lot more going on than just David’s story here.

This time around, I’m seeing myself more as a Saul.  Someone who can hold some pretty irrational beliefs one minute, then get amazing Grace from God to see the truth, repent, and act well for awhile.  But like Saul, I’m prone to returning to my…um…vomit.

I’m praising God for the ability to see through my sin, to recognize his grace.  Here’s hoping that I, like Saul, don’t continue acting schizophrenic in my sins.  I miss out on so much!

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5 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. I don’t think your simultaneous feelings of pride and shame are all that strange (speaking as someone who often feels the same way as you). Any of us can have moments where we feel prideful and particularly “disciple-like” and then when comparing ourselves with another Christian we know or someone at church, we may feel shame that we aren’t sanctified enough. Either way, I think we’re all prone to returning to our own …well, you know…

    AL: Good example. Maybe i’m not so crazy afterall…well…or there’s a lot of other crazies out there. =) Nice to know that others struggle as I struggle.

  2. I appreciate your honesty in sharing those inner struggles. More than that, I appreciate the answer you shared in Scripture. Thanks for leading us to the Scriptures for the victorious answers.

    AL: I don’t think I’ve found all the answers yet. And if anyone has some scriptures to share on overcoming this kind of back and forth sin issue, I’d love to find them, something to pray on. Good seeing you yesterday by the way!

  3. Do you know why you not a Saul? The Holy Spirit was able to do to your heart what He could not do to Saul’s heart. He changed you.

    AL: You’re right. Perhaps I had too much of a defeatist attitude here. We have a great hope, that we can change with God’s help. I find it interesting that Saul’s namesake, Paul, suffered with back and forth sin as well. Romans is littered with it, but especially Romans 7, with chapter 8 being cause for hope.

  4. I think I know why you are having a hard time continuing with the story: You need the Nano tee shirt.

    You know..been there, done that, got the tee shirt.

    You need the tee shirt for Christmas!

    We should play a game of virtual dreidel together!

    AL: Do they have dreidel over facebook? Are you on facebook? I might have hinted to Dan about the teeshirt for Christmas. =)

  5. Oh and check out this “evolving” dreidle tradition:

    http://people.virginia.edu/~vlo4n/evolvingtraditions/Chanukah-Virtual-Dreidel.pdf

    Pretty cool huh?

    AL: I’ve never heard of that. might see if Dan wants to try it next time we light the menorah. Thanks for sharing!


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