Lizzy’s Eyes

Something wasn’t right with Lizzy’s eyes.

My almost year-and-a-half-old daughter would sit at the dinner table and look at the food on her plate, and her left eye would slowly drift inward and stay there while the other eye moved about normally.

The first time, I thought it was a weird kid thing, like baby acne and cradle cap.  But then it kept happening.  However, I was the only one who saw it (Dan might have seen it once or twice, but he wasn’t sure).  Maybe I was spending too much time with her.  Maybe all that alone time with a pre-toddler wasn’t doing well for my mental status.

But I got worried and took her to an eye doctor near me.

He took a couple minutes, shined a light in her eyes, and said it was phony lazy eye, pseudo strabismus.  He handed me a brochure that informed me I was seeing things, but the delusion was common.  Who knew they had pamphlets for parents who are hallucinating their children’s medical problems?

But it kept happening.  And Dan started seeing it.

And others started seeing it.

So I took her to a specialist yesterday.  She shined lights in Lizzy’s eyes and moved glass lenses around in front of them.

And she told me that Lizzy can’t see very well.  That she’ll need thick glasses, probably for her entire life.

I wasn’t ready for that.

I’d entertained the idea that she’d need a goofy pirate patch for a while, prepared myself for the annoyance of taping it to her head after each bath.  Wash it after spaghetti dinners.  I’d seen kids with patches and pitied the parents for having to keep them on a squirmy toddler’s head.  I wasn’t thrilled about the prospect, but at least I was prepared for it.

The doctor told me that Lizzy’s vision problems were causing her to prefer the stronger eye, her right one, and the left one was just shutting down.  Her brain was beginning to ignore its signals.

Often, glasses correct the issue.  Kids’ eyes start working again and stop drifting around on their own.

But sometimes kids need surgery in addition to the glasses.  But we’ll know better in six weeks if that’s required.

I was shocked into stunned silence for the rest of the appointment.  I asked a few pathetic questions and was thankful to have a doctor at home to explain all these unfamiliar terms to me.

Clutching Lizzy’s eyeglasses prescription, I walked into the eyeglasses store where the doctor sent me, one specializing in baby glasses.  Overwhelmed by all the little pairs of glasses, I stood staring at the display case for a while, while a very helpful and knowledgeable saleswoman took me aside and spent over an hour talking me through what Lizzy needed.

Lizzy howled as we tried to fit glasses on her head.  I had visions of struggling to get her to wear hers when they come in next week.

Back in the car, I lost it.  Life was unfair.  I’d already been through enough with Lizzy’s health.

But the peace that passes understanding came over me.  I prayed for help, and I got it.  Jesus held me and let me know that he was with me in this.  He has big plans for Lizzy, and this is part of them.

I had visions of my little girl, strengthened by adversity.   It’ll be hard to explain to other kids why she has thick glasses, to endure the teasing that little kids dish out to those who are different.  She’ll become a stronger woman for it.

Jesus is calling her to an amazing life.  He’s choosing to refine her from this very early age, as he’s already done with her other medical issues.  All the pain she’s endured with her reflux and breathing problems are part of the same plan.

It’s agony seeing my child pruned, honed, disciplined, trained, and shaped, all before she’s walking.

But I believe that God is in control.  He has a bigger plan in all of this.  And I’m glad he’s in charge of her life, and I’m not (I’m just here following orders).

But in the moment, when the scares and shocks come my way, I can’t say I’m always thinking that way.  So I’m thankful that he speaks wisdom to me and guides me when I need it.  And boy, do I need it.

Parenting is tough.  Thankfully, we don’t have to do it alone.

My New Year’s Meta-Resolution

It’s that time of year again, where otherwise sane people make insane promises to themselves, which they will break within days.

I’m talking about New Year’s resolutions.  And even if you haven’t publicly declared one, you know that in the back of your mind, you reminded yourself to lose weight, get more organized, stop yelling at your kids, spend more time with your pet, etc.

I’ve fallen prey to these empty promises before, sometimes publicly, sometimes privately.

And there’s nothing wrong with trying to better yourself.  But I think it’s the approach and rationale that need a readjustment.

Instead of focusing on me pursuing the narrow-minded, self-centered things I want, I’m going to try to focus on the bigger picture.  And I’ve decided on a meta-resolution, the resolution that covers all the others.

This year, I’m going to fear the Lord more.

No, this doesn’t mean I’ll be cowering in a corner, freaking out in the presence of a holy God who terrifies me.  Well, maybe sometimes.

But in large, I’m thinking “fear” in the biblical sense.

I’ve been studying the fear of the Lord in the past few months, and I’ve learned a lot about what it is and isn’t.  A book that’s done a lot to help me understand this is When People are Big and God is Small by Edward T. Welch.

Here’s what I’ve learned about the fear of the Lord:  It’s more about reverential awe, recognition of overwhelming holiness, profound humility in light of who he is, and “reverent submission” (Welch 97).  It’s recognizing the power and glory of the King of the Universe, who is all seeing, all knowing, all present, and incredibly loving.

But it’s not a terror that gives me a knee shaking fear of punishment and God’s wrath. Perfect love drives out that kind of fear (1 John 4:18). Because I belong to Jesus, God’s wrath towards my sin was poured out on Jesus on my behalf, once and for all, on the cross.

For those who desire to make better decisions in the New Year, the fear of the lord is the beginning of wisdom (Psalm 111:10).

If you want to make healthy choices this year, ideally to have a longer life, fear the Lord  (Deuteronomy 6:2).

Keep in mind that the fear of the Lord isn’t a tool to achieve your selfish ambitions for the year, but it can be a means to achieve those that are godly.

It’s a shift in priorities and perspective.  Instead of wanting to be skinny, by fearing God, you desire his will for your body and gain his wisdom on how to best steward it. Yes, you might lose weight, but it’s for all the right reasons and in the right way.

I’m excited to study this more in the bible and through other books on the topic.  I’ve already started reading the Book of Revelation, and the resurrected Jesus in all his power and majesty blows me away.

I’d love to share this journey with others who are interested in joining me this year. Please let me know if you’ve learned or are learning anything about the fear of the Lord that you’d like to pass along.

WANT!

Lizzy has a new favorite word. And it’s not a pretty one. She points at something and says, rather loudly: “WANT!”

It took me awhile to figure out what she was saying. Her enunciation is a little lacking, but I give her a break, since she’s only 14 months old. It sounds a lot like how she says “WALK” and “WATER.” So, until I figured it out, I was constantly handing her a sippy cup and taking her outside a lot. She probably didn’t mind.

But she says it ALL THE TIME. At the dinner table, she sees different, more appealing food on my plate. *point, point* “WANT!” When we’re at the grocery store, and a toy or a fun looking breakable object is just out of reach, “WANT!” Or, if we’re sitting in the living room, and I’m reading a book that looks more exiting than her books, despite me showing her that mine has no pictures, “WANT!”

You get the idea.

I couldn’t figure out where she learned the word. It isn’t like I was trying to teach it to her.

But I started hearing myself say “want.” And I say it a lot.

I say it when I read the Sunday ads, “WANT!” And I say it when I’m at the grocery store, planning on making something for dinner “WANT!”

By example, I’ve taught her that this is an important word.

She’s quite the mirror into my heart. As she parrots my words and behaviors, I see a not-so-ideal version of myself.

Contentment has been a big theme for me lately. It’s a way God is growing me. But I am constantly reminded how far I am from reaching this goal.

The righteous has enough to satisfy his appetite, but the belly of the wicked suffers “WANT!”. (Proverbs 13:12) (Emphasis my own)

God is in Control, follow-up

A couple weeks ago, I shared a mini-freak out I had, and the still, small voice that knocked some sense into me.

We encountered a major hurdle in our home refinancing process, and God reminded me that he was in control, even when things weren’t looking so good for the refinancing.

Well, today, we’re on the other side of the process.  The refinance went through, and, you guessed it, everything turned out alright. Actually, better than alright.  Better than I’d expected or imagined.

The process took longer than expected.  And as a result, we got a lower interest rate.  We also got to schedule the signing at a very convenient time, not requiring Dan to take time off work.  And our monthly payments are significantly lower than they would have been before.

I shouldn’t be surprised.  When God steps in, changes things up, disrupts my plans, everything ALWAYS turns out better in the end.  But in the middle of it, I have a hard time believing that the outcome will be better than my plan.

I’ll learn someday. But for now, I’ll just raise this Ebenezer to jog my memory next time.

Book Review: Heiress by Susan May Warren

The “Gilded Age.” New York City. Names like: Astor, Carnegie, Rockefeller, and Vanderbilt.  This is the setting for Susan May Warren’s latest novel, Heiress, part of her new “Daughters of Fortune” series.

Two privileged heroines dominate the story. As daughters of a newspaper magnate in New York, they live the “good life,” rubbing elbows with the big names of that time. But riches aren’t enough for Esme, the eldest sister, who dreams of running her own newspaper and wants a life of her own making. Her sister, Jinx, pursues a society match and marries for money and status, only to find them worthless in comparison to love.

The storyline was extremely predictable, at times comically cliché, borrowing from overdone themes and characters. But it got me. I couldn’t put it down.

I admit, I reveled in the economic escapism this novel provided. Our news today is glutted with stories of poverty, recession, job loss, and inflation. But to read about a period of economic prosperity in our country, and the lavish lifestyles of the upper echelon of society, I’m transported away from today’s cares for awhile.

But then again, even in the midst of such prosperity, there are still problems. And that’s one message that Warren’s novel delivers home. Money isn’t the answer to all of life’s problems. Even when one has everything, it’s not enough.

While I can’t say that Warren does the best job showing that Jesus is the answer, the attempt is at least made. Most attempts at introducing Christianity come across as extremely forced and awkward. The novel would have been much better with out the sermons from characters. Actually, without any overt message about God. Because really, showing the emptiness of the riches, the struggles of this world, the reality of hard times, is a truth of its own sort because it reveals the world’s lies for what they are.

I rank this book with some of the finer “beach reads” I’ve encountered. It fits the bill for escapism, page turning, sappy romance, and sentimentality. You’ll find me on an airplane somewhere indulging in the next additions to the series. But I might just skim the parts when Warren starts talking about God.

Thanks to Litfuse Publicity for providing me with a review copy of this book.

My New Packing List

Last week, I shared my struggles with packing.  Thanks to some wise words from friends, and a little help from the Holy Spirit, I’m rewriting my packing list.

Amy’s Packing List:

Dan
Lizzy
Dental Floss

That’s it.  So, maybe the floss can get cut (But really, how annoying is it when you get something stuck in your teeth, and no matter how much you try to pry it out with your fingernails, it won’t come out?).

But the point is, I’m bringing what’s most important.  Everything else can get replaced, or I can go without it.

I’m too dependent on my own plans and strength.  I need to realize that I’m not in control.  No matter how well I pack, God is in control.  And he can sanctify me, bless me, and use me, even if I don’t pack for every possible scenario.  Because, really, who can anticipate everything?

God can.

Not me.

Panang Curry with Sweet Potatoes and Shrimp

Dan watched the little one last night, so I could play in the kitchen. He was more than willing to help, since I was experimenting with one of his favorite Thai curries, panang.  This particular concoction was a winner, so I thought I’d pass it along.

Ingredients:

2 medium sweet potatoes, peeled and cubed into bite sized pieces

1 lb medium shrimp

1/2-1 onion, chopped

3 garlic cloves, minced

peanut oil

3 tbsp panang curry paste

2 tbsp natural peanut butter

2 cans coconut milk or cream

1-2 chopped red bell peppers

1 bag spinach (12 oz)

1 tbsp fish sauce

Jasmine rice

Directions:

Use wok. Stir fry onions in oil. Add garlic for 30 seconds. Push mix to side of wok, add more oil, and stir fry panang paste until fragrant. Slowly add milk, 1/3 can at a time, until heated and bubbly. Mix in peanut butter. Add sweet potato, shrimp, bell peppers, and spinach. Cook on medium until sweet potatoes are soft but maintain their structure (about 20 minutes). Take off heat, add fish sauce to taste (around 1 tbsp).  Serve atop jasmine rice.

Serves 4 very generously (if they have appetites like my husband).

Packing What’s Important

I hate packing. But I love travel. So, I pack.

I’ve long been of the opinion that the way people pack for vacations tells you a lot about the person. The old relationship wisdom says to go on vacation with someone to truly get to know them. And while I think that’s true, you can learn even more by observing how they prepare for that trip.

Exhibit A, my friend

Her method for packing is to wait until the last minute, which of course varies depending on the person, but in her case, it is literally the last minute. A couple hours before the airplane begins taxiing down the runway, she opens her suitcase and dumps the contents of her dresser drawers directly into the luggage. Packing done.

Exhibit B, Me

I make a list. Or several lists. And I begin weeks before the trip, sometimes months, gathering the appropriate gear, making shopping trips to get the items needed, write more lists, and generally dedicate a lot of thought to it. And I always pack WAAAAAAAAAAY too much. The day the airlines began charging for checked luggage was a dark day for me. I can’t fathom fitting my gear into a carry-on, even for an overnight trip.

Exhibit C, my college buddy

He joined me, Dan, and 30 or so other students on a semester long trip around Europe and Israel. I packed the largest suitcase possible. He fit everything into a small carry-on bag, and most of it was packed with books. And he saw just as much as I did and probably had a heck of a lot more fun.

You can imagine how both friends challenge me. I love them, despite their different packing styles, but I also shudder when I consider letting them pack for me.

Now that we have Lizzy, the packing went to a whole new level. All the baby gear far outweighs anything Dan and I pack. And the lists. My goodness, the lists.

Last week, we went on a mini-getaway to the University District of Seattle while Dan attended a conference. I had the cushion of knowing I could drive back home if I forgot something important. Plus, I had two cars to pack, instead of one. But I was still stressed out about the packing (and I barely fit everything into both cars. Sad, but true).

The night before, we prayed that I wouldn’t stress out as much about the packing (this is a recurring issue). That we wouldn’t forget anything important. And God answered our prayer. Not like I wanted, though.

Boy did I forget stuff. I thought my last vacation had a colossal mistake, since I forgot to pack underwear. But this time, the quantity of things I forgot was quite embarrassing, especially considering the amount of lists I made.

And I was tempted, hours after arriving, to drive back home to pick up the stuff I forgot. But I didn’t. And I’m glad I didn’t.

Because I had everything I needed. God didn’t let me forget anything “important” (be careful what you pray for, and choose your terms precisely).

I forgot Lizzy’s placemat, something I rarely leave home without since it lets her eat at a table with us and allows me to scrape the food into a pocket instead of littering the floor with all her leftovers. Instead, I worked on teaching Lizzy to eat off a plate without throwing it and all the food across the room. We had some trying meals, but she’s gotten the hang of it, so much that by the end of the trip, we could trust her to eat off a breakable plate, in a restaurant with white linen table cloths! We were so proud of her.

I also forgot Lizzy’s baby spoons. So now, she’s eating off our spoons quite well, as long as we heap the food on the end of the spoon.

And I forgot my laptop stand. I get carpal tunnel pains when I write without my laptop at an angle, so I have this little collapsible stand for on the road. But I saw a student propping up her computer with its cover and realized that I was an idiot and could use just about anything to keep my computer at an angle.

As I write these examples, I realize how petty I was in worrying about them. It seems silly, now.

But I feel God’s grace, as he’s teaching me, in small ways, how little I “need.” But also, how much he gives me what I truly need. In the end, my lists won’t cover my needs…he will.

I won’t be giving up on my packing lists. If anything, I’m planning a more detailed system for the next trip.

But the anxiety level is going down because I realize that the lilies of the field don’t pack suitcases, but they look great each day with one outfit, without a truckload of beauty products, and none of the baby lily gear.

And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? Therefore do not be anxious, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.

Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble. (Matthew 6:28-34)

Smelling the Roses

Okay, so I know it’s cliché, but Lizzy and I stopped to smell the roses yesterday. We also stopped to point at and smack around some balloons.

I’m an agenda driven person. I like to know the plan for the day long before the day starts. I know how long I’ve allotted to get from point A to point B, and I’m not too happy about detours, interruptions, and unforeseen obstacles getting in my way.

So can you imagine how challenging it is to have a little one who competes with an agenda of her own?

But my plan didn’t account for lovely roses, perfectly in bloom, a beautiful array of purples, pinks, reds, and yellows, free along the sidewalk for anyone to smell and enjoy.

And I fail to notice, like Lizzy notices, that every grocery store has balloons at the checkout stands. Did you ever notice that? And some are gigantic! They also come in animal shapes. Some even play music.

You should hear her try to call my attention to the balloons. I’m in my own world, headed to point B, and she starts saying “Baa boo” “Booo Booo” Baa baaa baaa baaaaaa.” And she points and gesticulates wildly toward the sky. Believe it or not, I sometimes miss these highly elaborate cues.

So Lizzy interrupts my plans. She makes me stop, constantly, and messes up my schedule.

And I’m loving it. Well, sometimes I’m loving it. Because I see how I’m imperfect, and I need reminders to stop, smell, touch, enjoy, and be.

Many are the plans in the mind of a man,

but it is the purpose of the Lord that will stand. (Proverbs 19:21)

God is in Control

I had a minor freak out today. It could have become a major one. But I got some help at just the right time.

We’re in the middle of refinancing our home, which is a little stressful, but nothing compared to the anxiety I experienced when I was pregnant and purchasing the home in the first place (if at all possible do NOT purchase a home when 8 months pregnant).

But today, we hit a little bump in the road in the process. And I had a mini freak out, said some words in front of Lizzy that I hope she never repeats, and paced around the kitchen in a frenzy. Chocolate was sought out.

But then, a still, small voice came into the midst of my fury: “God is in control.”

Typically, at that point in the process, I’m still in the “escalating stage,” where I whip myself up into a tizzy and keep going over the scenario, eat some more chocolate, do some more pacing, and perhaps throw a few things.

So imagine my surprise when I got stopped in the middle of my tracks with such a little statement. Nothing new. I’ve heard the Twila Paris song by that name about a billion times and can sing all the lyrics. And no, it wasn’t Twila’s voice singing to me at that moment. But it came immediately to mind (check out the very odd music video for the song with random ballet dancers prancing around).

God’s sovereignty is something I know in my head, but I have a hard time making the ancient, academic sounding word hit my heart like “God is in control.”

I was shocked into a new train of thought. A more productive one. A biblical one.

Sure, my plans might have been thwarted. But it didn’t matter. God is in control. And he knows the outcome. He has a plan. And he is an even better planner than I am. And I’m a pretty good planner.

And I had peace.

Dan is reading this right now with a slack jaw because he’s witnessed my full scale freak outs and knows that the escalation period can take a long time, before I finally start winding down.

Such a simple phrase. Such a simple truth. And how quickly I forget these truths about God.

I can’t promise that the next time I get bad news or have my plans challenged, I’ll start singing the song and feel better.

But something happened today. I gained a deep truth, just when I needed it. And the Truth set me free.

Are you facing a setback right now? Are you worrying about it, losing sleep, eating too much chocolate, saying bad words in front of your kids?

God is in control. You’re not. Let him run the show. He knew about the setback long before it happened. It’s part of his plan. Let him show you his bigger, better plan. Stand back and be amazed as he works it out for your good and his glory.